So these next few posts are going to give you a view into my weak and wounded heart. I am pretty brutally honest with how I was feeling. I almost don't want to post these next few blog entries because of how vulnerable I am in them... But praise God for healing!
Father, I am broken, wasted, dirty, wicked, and perverse. I admit I don’t know the next step. Turns out the one thing you were pointing to in my life is the very pipeline of waste I’ve been hiding. You have opened the pipeline Father. All my wickedness, perverse thoughts, and offenses towards you came spewing up. I am freshly reminded about past sins and emotions buried deep. You have pulled me back to the past and now I stand covered in it. All the hatred, lust, confusion, utter sadness and hopelessness, darkness, etc. I am covered in it. I can’t get it off of me. I hate being helpless. I hate You breaking through my masks and facades. Lord, I desire step “Z” in this process and I am still struggling with step “C”. How many more unforeseen wounds do I carry? How much baggage am I still holding onto? I desire to know and feel You vividly in my life, but does it have to hurt like this? Why do you have to remind me that I still don’t know what true love is. That I still have heavy emotional blocks in my life. Have I got so good that I fool even myself when I feel emotions? Lord, I desire to truly feel what I’m meant to feel. To not hide my true heart and emotions any longer. Oh Father have your way. I am already drained and emotionally burdened, take it all. Please Jesus take this weight, I cannot bear it any longer. I want to be free. Free from my inability to cry/fear. Free from feeling like you shouldn’t/won’t bless me. Free from being incapable of loving for fear of being rejected again. Free from manipulation, impure thoughts, and fake versions of me. Loose these chains Father. Jesus bring freedom. I desire to press on in this journey into deeper and deeper levels of intimacy with my Beloved. I don’t just want head knowledge of You. I want You Father. I want You Jesus. I want You Holy Spirit. So please Father, continue stripping off the layers that bind me. I cannot bear them any longer. Free me. I cannot pretend that I can fix me any longer. Help me. Help me.
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