Prayer Room #12 - Pre-Existence

Tonight Father, I feel You drawing me towards the “Who was” Jesus in context to the crucifixion. Jesus You are the uncreated Savior. You have always been, from eternity past. So what did You do before You and the Father and the Spirit sang the masterpiece of creation into existence? Before Day 1, what were You doing Jesus? You were delighting in perfect relationship! From eternity past the Father and the Son have been ravishing each other’s hearts with perfect love, perfect delight, and perfect pleasure! Needing nothing apart from each other! Needing nothing outside of Yourself! The very essence of the Holy, Majestic, and All-Mighty God is fueled from a perfect heart united in perfect love. Unshakably pure, no outside factors could ever add or take away from it. Nothing can change God, not your emotions, not your bad day, not your unbelief, your anger, curses, sin, offense, nothing! You cannot change the look of love that He has for you. No matter how far you run, how far you fall, how many times you turn your back. You cannot change His opinion or His mind. From this place of perfect relationship and love we find the Father and the Sons immutable nature. You needed nothing, yet You created anyways. Why? From eternity past in the place of perfect love You crafted a perfect plan centered entirely around Your Son. In the place of perfect love Your heart overflowed and you desired to give Your Son a bride. For some divine reason You created man for the sole purpose of growing in love and affection for Your Beloved Son. You created us to only be truly satisfied in the beauty and knowledge of Jesus. Before creation the entirety of Your plan was prepared and made. You knew all that was to happen. Still You pressed ahead and created man. Knowing fully that we would replace You and Your Son as the object of our affections. Knowing that most would reject and scorn Your heart. Knowing that Your Son would be spit upon, whipped beyond recognition, and rejected to the point of crucifixion. Knowing fully that Your Son would bear the world’s sin. You knew, and You still created. Jesus, You were there, and You knew the plan to. You knew that the world would reject you. Yet You still saw worth in the plan. Before creation You desired and loved us so much that You set Your face like flint towards Jerusalem (Luke 9:53) with expectancy and desire. You longed for Your bride in such an intense way that You looked forward to leaving Your Father’s House and walking in the steps of man forever so we could be with You. That blows my mind! I always wondered if You knew that day was coming. If You knew the plan, the perfect plan, the only way that we could be with You. If You knew, why did You cry for the cup to be taken? In Your perfection why did You make a plea for another way? I think You have given me a glimpse into the why. I have always been taught two reasons, reasons that weren’t good enough for me. Reasons that left me unmoved. 1. That He was afraid of physical death. (Which is wrong). 2. Because He desired any other way than bearing the full weight of sin. These two answers were never enough for me. These answers failed to move me. The weight of sin answer seemed the most correct because that was the cup He was meant to carry. But it seemed to be missing something. So today during a small group we talked about the definition of sin. My definition is from the root word for sin meaning anything that misses the mark. The definition that our small group leader gave tonight was so much more personal. He said sin was anything that destroys relationship. God’s entire design and plan is centered around relationship. Sin is what separates us from closeness and relationship with Him. In our fallen state we are separated from God and have a damaged and wounded view of relationship. So if Jesus had to bear the weight of the world’s sin, that means separation from relationship. The reason Jesus asked if there was any other way is because He was about to be removed from perfect relationship with the Father. The reason He sweat blood was because of the intense stress and pain He was going to endure through separation from the Father. Jesus was so removed from the presence of relationship that for the first time He called His Father a different name. Every other time in the Gospels He called God His Father until the cross. He cried out from the cross “My God, my God why have You forsaken me.” In crying this out He was strengthening Himself with the remembrance of the eternity past relationship. He quoted the beginning of Ps 22 to reference to the crowd who He was. He bore the full weight of the world’s sin and the full weight of God’s wrath. It is in the crucifixion that we begin to see exactly how strong our Savior is. That is the weight that He carried. That is the weight that He bore for us. The essence of suffering is scorned love. After knowing and delighting in perfect love and unity He chose to be crushed away from that perfect relationship so that we could come into right standing. No man has ever lost as much as He did. Praise be to the Lamb! He is so worthy!!

Prayer Room #11 - Pride

Will I ever stop running? This monumental battle for who I am and healing rages inside my chest. Opposing forces are battling and fighting as we speak. Like two dogs fighting inside me. This choice is paramount. Drowning in offense, lies assaulting, telling me that I’m helpless, hopeless, without a future. The barks and intensity of the rabid dog cause fear and shame. The howls and snarls bring up past words and feelings and reassures me that “I” can fix them alone. To keep them hidden. For the rabid dog has been recently exposed as such. What once was my golden retriever, my comfort and solution to my pain has now had the light of truth shown on it. My old comforter is destructive, insane, wild, deceiving, soothing and evil. It shows me what I was, where God wasn’t, what I deserve, how I’ve been wronged. It invites me back to Egypt with wholehearted abandon. I trusted it, enjoyed its company, and even miss it still. It is the easy road. The wide path that many have gone along. Filled with comfort and instantaneous satisfaction. It is the darkened rooms inside my heart, where light has not shown in decades. It is seduction and illegitimate pleasures without lasting satisfaction. O how the wickedness of comfort has sacrificed the wild and adventurous Christianity we all long for. True life, true pleasure, and true satisfaction are not found with the rabid dog. Disease and infection are the fruits of this one. Emptiness and shame are its children. Power, provision, and protection are its promises. Promises it doesn’t have the resources or ability to keep. This dog provides lack, addiction, and corruption. It’s sweet voice is instant pleasure and draws us towards years (if not a life) of parched tongues, hidden lives, and shameful wickedness. Yet I still cling to this dog. For I have been taught well. I despise the other Dog. Where was He when I needed Him? Why did He bring this pain upon me? He calls me by my actual name. He calls to the one lost beneath mud, scars, and infections. He desires to wash my feet. To serve me and I deny Him. Just like I have been doing my entire life. Yet I know if I turn to Him. If I just turn around and allow Him to love me and hear His voice then He will never let me down but satisfy me fully. So what is holding me back? Pride. That some wrong should be righted before I come back. I feel like I am in a bargaining position with God. I am still trying to manipulate my surroundings to control them so that I am not hurt. God, Father, Daddy, Abba, Friend, it wasn’t Your fault that I got hurt and my family got hurt. It wasn’t your fault. This is me turning around to You. Please come into my life and heal the brokenness and wounds. Please bring freedom to my life finally. Freedom Jesus. Abba free me from these chains of offense. Please don’t leave me here alone. Let me feel Your touch, let me feel Your hug. Let me finally cry…please Jesus I am helpless. I can’t do anything on my own. I am tired of running and not being satisfied. I am tired of being let down and being hurt by those I love and give my heart to. Daddy please heal me. I invite You in. I want You to heal my wounds. I want You to see me at my darkest. No matter the cost. I desire wholeness. Please help me. I can’t do anything. I’m here, I’ve turned. Embrace me, embrace Your son. Let me feel Your love. Let me hear Your voice. These are my desires. Peel away the fake selves inside of me. Burn the masks. Penetrate me with Your burning eyes. You who see all and know my need and how to bring freedom. Bring it. Do it. I desire wholeness. Burn away everything not of You. I want to love you more…

Prayer Room #10 - Transparency

Is it okay to say that I am truly a screwed up individual? Needless to say, God is taking me back through some intense moments of pain in my life. I would love to be honest. I have a heart that is greatly hindered from receiving God’s and other’s love. I don’t know where all the wounds and defenses are, but I desire wholeness. I desire to feel His love for me fully. Unhindered. Now how to get to that point will have to be a huge move of God. I have so many walls up guarding my heart from giving and receiving true love. Jesus, I come before You a beggar. Unable to give You anything. Body low, head down, hands lifted and empty, stomach lacking, heart longing, strength drained, and destitute. I am beyond poor Jesus. I have nothing. No knowledge, no love, full of empty works and phrases that hold no weight in my life. Hungry but scared. Longing but timid. Jesus I have nothing to offer perfection. I have no way. I don’t know how to get to wholeness. Except by pleading with You for scraps. I “know” that You are the only One who can save and heal me. So please Father meet me at my weak words and fill my needs. Help me. Lower my walls. Breakthrough my weak defenses. Give me insight into my pains and defenses, dismantle me. I want, no I need to feel Your love in my life. To have full assurance about how You feel about me. Holy Spirit, Jesus, Father…help Your son. Help me become whole. Guide my feet to the path of healing. I desire to be carried into Your presence. For with You is fullness and life. Please lead me there. I don’t care how long it takes. Just bring me there. Help me receive Your love. I can not do this…

Prayer Room #9 - Prayer

Heavenly Father. Forgive me for resisting You in so many ways. I know now that Your desire is to bless and reward me. That I can only love You as much as I allow You to love me. So help me open up Father. Teach me to feel Your fiery love for me. If my desire is to grow in love for you, then fling the doors of my heart open. Remove the timidity of my heart and teach me the meaning of love with a whole heart. Overwhelm me with how much You love me. Tenderize my heart. Fascinate me. This is what I am desperate for. My heart has yet to truly love You. Increase my capacity by filling my heart with Your desire and affection for me. Captivate me. Reward me with your love so I can give it all back to You. I love You Lord. Teach me the depths, heights, and width of Your love. Amen

Prayer Room #8 - Desire

So today I had a pretty intense experience.  God opened up a lot of wounds two days ago so today I cried out for healing.  That God would meet me at my open and fresh wounds and bring healing.  I didn’t want anymore crutches in this walk.  So I started reading in Acts 6 and 7 about Stephen.  My spirit was so drawn to His story.  I burned with a desire to know God in such an intimate and close way that my face would shine.  While reading it I stood up and started praying hard that God would remove all my past baggage and wounds.  That He would open up any hidden wounds so that healing could come. While I was praying that prayer to Him I heard the internal audible voice of the Holy Spirit tell me to go open up Song of Songs and that He would give me the verse I needed to meditate on.  I knew He would highlight it.  It stuck out so powerfully!  “Draw me after You, let us run…” Song of Songs 1:4  My spirit jumped inside me.  This was what my entirety desired, to run with my lover.  To be drawn away into His heart and beauty and to RUN!  I stood again and started praying this verse over and over again.  While I was doing it He showed me an image of me trying to run with chains and weights behind me.  I was running hard towards where He was, but I was moving slow.  I cried out for God to release me so I could run!  Then He spoke to me and told me that I have been running passionately after Him against these weights and chains.  That He desired to heal me but was turning my struggle into my benefit.  While I ran with the weights I was strengthening myself (with a growing hunger and desire) so that when He gave me freedom I would run so much harder, faster, and longer with Him.  I set the pace of this journey.  I want to run!  I know it is a marathon and a battle but I will not slow up or give anything less than my all to this race.  I want to run with Jesus swiftly with the long run in focus.  Giving my all everyday so I may fall exhausted at His feet every night tired, weary, spent.  Knowing that I gave my all.  Please teach me Lord!  Help Me!  I am a weak man.  Teach me to run after you!  I am but a child.  Teach me to run!  Loose the weights that bind me so I may reach You, grab Your hand, and rush with You into the knowledge of who You are.  Teach me!  I love You Abba!  My Father, my Lover, my Running mate, my Deliverer.  I love You!  Help me love You.  Teach me to love You more.