So yesterday the “Honeymoon” ended and You showed me that I still have many deep issues and problems. Thanks! Haha. Lord, I will never leave You. I desire You. But I am in constant need of You. Help me Father! Whatever it takes, pull me onward toward deeper and deeper revelations of you. Enlarge this heart of mine. How can I fully experience You with this small, hard heart. Soften my heart. Tenderize my heart to receive the still small voice of the Holy Spirit. (I took another break from journaling here and took some time to pray).
If I appear as anything besides weak, confused, and broken then forgive me. For I am a weak and wounded man; with questions in His heart from his youth. I find that the simplest childhood questions are still begging for an answer. What is love? Are you happy with me? Do I have what it takes to make it in this world? Why weren’t you there? Why was I hurt? Why am I still scared? Why did you let my family suffer? Will this wound ever be healed? All these questions have answers in Your word. I believe Your word. So why am I still wounded with a heart contorted with offense and fear. If you desire the weak and wounded Father, here I am. Can a heart be as twisted as mine to run away from and pursue You? To love and despise You? To understand nothing yet in my pride display a mask of intelligence? To put on a mask of joy while my heart is raging inside my chest? With the same mouth I sing praises about You and question Your goodness. I am sick on the inside Father. Can’t You see my pain? I want to be whole Father. I want to just pretend that this hurt doesn’t exist. That I have what it takes to gain healing. My words mean nothing. I am full of lies and partial truths. Destroy me Father. I’m not even worth Your continual look of love. A vow of authenticity? I made a vow to hide behind a distorted display of faked goodness. I give advice on pain when I don’t know how to identify and fix my own. I advise people on matters which my own heart still struggles with. I am a fake. A fraud. Here I sit in a room dedicated to the authentic pursuit of you. Here I sit condemning myself with my feelings. O how I hurt Father. I hurt because I fake happiness. I hurt because I know nothing. I hurt because I’m the same kid 13 years ago. Full of fear, pain, and confusion. Loving to pretend that I belong somewhere. Running from the same wounds. Desiring someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. Longing for You to tell me it’s okay. O God I have tried finding you there. In that moment. I don’t see You. You are the only One who can heal my brokenness. I’m here Jesus. Still wounded. (More prayer and meditation)
I’m settling this once and for all Jesus. I love you Lord. Those words mean I care for you deeply. They mean I am willing to die for Your name because You are worth it. I want to spend time with You. I love spending time with You. You bring me Joy. You satisfy me. I love you so much God. I truly love You. Take Your rightful place as King in my life. I take pleasure in Your leadership. How you make me smile. Even when the feeling isn’t there, I know You still love me. You do not and will not change. You will never hurt me. You only have good in mind for me. You delight in me. I want to glorify you with everything I am. I want to step into the fullness of freedom and Joy in You. I cannot heal myself. I can’t do anything apart from You. It frustrates me that I’m so helpless. It frustrates me that I can’t fix it. Why couldn’t I fix the divorce? I never wanted to feel helpless again. Even when displaying weakness it wasn’t true weakness because I was still in control. Take the control. Take it Father. I’ve been trying to fix things in others lives because I couldn’t fix the divorce. I’ve been trying to defend others because I couldn’t defend myself. I can’t fix people. It’s not my job to defend everyone all the time, every second. Thank you Jesus for loving me. Thank you for this healing journey. Holy Spirit bring to the surface any offenses I have. So that I may walk with You in healing. Continue bringing me into freedom. I desire You Father. I love Your Son. Teach me to trust Your leadership. I need You. Make me dependent.
Modern David posting - so weak and frustrated at the beginning - but completely acknowledging who God is at the end....and so incredibly powerful. Save these for these writings will serve you in the future! All I could do was cry because you touched the very depth of my struggles too - love you babe!!!!
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